Vienna Pharaon | Marriage & Family Therapist

Don’t miss out on my Overcoming Loneliness community experience during the month of May in honor of Mental Health Awareness Month. I have an incredible line up of experts who are going to tackle the topics of loneliness with self, with dating/relationships, with friends, and with family. The month long experience is only $47 and I hope you can join. Comment “JOIN” below and I’ll send you the link to sign up. I can’t wait to see you there! — It can be hard to be our own advocate sometimes. I get it. This is also a reminder to check in on your people, to notice, to speak up when something feels off, and to offer support when you have the bandwidth. But today we’re talking about how you can speak up for yourself when you’re feeling disconnected and lonely. I was a “it’s fine” girl myself…for so long. It was my response to just about everything, so I know how easy it can be to just fall back on those words and stay in disconnection and pain all by your lonesome. Part of this work is to challenge that, which I know can come with a whole heck of a lot of fears. What if I’m vulnerable and nothing changes? What if I ask and people still don’t show up? What if I expose myself and people say they’ll do it but then don’t? I wish I could tell you that there would be guarantees to the brave steps we take, but I just don’t have the secret sauce for that, unfortunately. Part of our growth will always require risk taking. Big breath. But that risk taking can be really intentional and my hope is that we take risks that feel as safe as a risk could possibly feel and be experienced. Meaning, might we ask this of our most trusted people? Might we share this with someone we know actually loves us and cares? Might we make some space for a new story to take shape? Believe me, I know the “it’s fine” is in response to historical stuff that led you to a place where “it’s fine” had to be your answer. It’s heartbreaking, really. And the alternative, of staying forever in the “it’s fine” just doesn’t feel like the answer.

What Is Something You Wanted As A Child & Didn’t Get? How To Overcome A Difficult Childhood - Vienna Pharaon

I cried the first (and second and third) time I saw this video. It’s co-regulation and safety displayed at its finest, truly. Eva had shared earlier in the season with Joe that she is autistic. When she’s overstimulated, she can become dysregulated. No one else knew but him, but they were on different teams and on the show, you’re not allowed to approach or make contact with the other team. There’s so much to say about this video, but I want to highlight how Joe lends his nervous system to her to help her regulate. He applies pressure, gives her choice every step along the way, is fully present, clean, available. His smile at the end is one of the most beautiful expressions of safety and “I’ve got you”. Truly brings me to tears. What else did you notice? What has been the greatest coregulation tool/experience for you. #mindfulmft

And of course the other way around. Do not underestimate the importance of understanding the richness and complexity of your partner’s past and childhood. The way their family operated carries a lot of weight. The way they communicated and fought matters. The beliefs they held about people and the world matters. The things they prioritized matters. If you’re trying to solve things in your relationship and you’re not exploring yours and their family systems and origin stories then you are undoubtedly operating with a set of cards that’s missing pretty much every card. What more can you learn about their story? What more can you learn about what it was like growing up? What more can you learn about how their family did things, what they believed, how they treated one another, and beyond. Might that begin to help you understand what plays out between the two of you now? Might that begin to point you, relationally, in the direction that needs attention and healing. #mindfulmft

This is a very nuanced and important topic that’s often dealt with behind closed doors and alone. Hands up if you’ve ever been stuck in the ambivalence. Months? Years? Decades? It’s powerful to step towards making a decision — to feel empowered in your own life instead of a passive bystander. But what’s needed in order to move the needle? This is a very nuanced and important topic that’s often dealt with behind closed doors and alone. Hands up if you’ve ever been stuck in the ambivalence. Months? Years? Decades? It’s powerful to step towards making a decision — to feel empowered in your own life instead of a passive bystander. But what’s needed in order to move the needle? You are not alone. #mindfulmft

Don’t miss out on my Overcoming Loneliness community experience during the month of May in honor of Mental Health Awareness Month. I have an incredible line up of experts who are going to tackle the topics of loneliness with self, with dating/relationships, with friends, and with family. The month long experience is only $47 and I hope you can join. Comment “JOIN” below and I’ll send you the link to sign up. I can’t wait to see you there! — It can be hard to be our own advocate sometimes. I get it. This is also a reminder to check in on your people, to notice, to speak up when something feels off, and to offer support when you have the bandwidth. But today we’re talking about how you can speak up for yourself when you’re feeling disconnected and lonely. I was a “it’s fine” girl myself…for so long. It was my response to just about everything, so I know how easy it can be to just fall back on those words and stay in disconnection and pain all by your lonesome. Part of this work is to challenge that, which I know can come with a whole heck of a lot of fears. What if I’m vulnerable and nothing changes? What if I ask and people still don’t show up? What if I expose myself and people say they’ll do it but then don’t? I wish I could tell you that there would be guarantees to the brave steps we take, but I just don’t have the secret sauce for that, unfortunately. Part of our growth will always require risk taking. Big breath. But that risk taking can be really intentional and my hope is that we take risks that feel as safe as a risk could possibly feel and be experienced. Meaning, might we ask this of our most trusted people? Might we share this with someone we know actually loves us and cares? Might we make some space for a new story to take shape? Believe me, I know the “it’s fine” is in response to historical stuff that led you to a place where “it’s fine” had to be your answer. It’s heartbreaking, really. And the alternative, of staying forever in the “it’s fine” just doesn’t feel like the answer.

What Is Something You Wanted As A Child & Didn’t Get? How To Overcome A Difficult Childhood - Vienna Pharaon

I cried the first (and second and third) time I saw this video. It’s co-regulation and safety displayed at its finest, truly. Eva had shared earlier in the season with Joe that she is autistic. When she’s overstimulated, she can become dysregulated. No one else knew but him, but they were on different teams and on the show, you’re not allowed to approach or make contact with the other team. There’s so much to say about this video, but I want to highlight how Joe lends his nervous system to her to help her regulate. He applies pressure, gives her choice every step along the way, is fully present, clean, available. His smile at the end is one of the most beautiful expressions of safety and “I’ve got you”. Truly brings me to tears. What else did you notice? What has been the greatest coregulation tool/experience for you. #mindfulmft

And of course the other way around. Do not underestimate the importance of understanding the richness and complexity of your partner’s past and childhood. The way their family operated carries a lot of weight. The way they communicated and fought matters. The beliefs they held about people and the world matters. The things they prioritized matters. If you’re trying to solve things in your relationship and you’re not exploring yours and their family systems and origin stories then you are undoubtedly operating with a set of cards that’s missing pretty much every card. What more can you learn about their story? What more can you learn about what it was like growing up? What more can you learn about how their family did things, what they believed, how they treated one another, and beyond. Might that begin to help you understand what plays out between the two of you now? Might that begin to point you, relationally, in the direction that needs attention and healing. #mindfulmft

This is a very nuanced and important topic that’s often dealt with behind closed doors and alone. Hands up if you’ve ever been stuck in the ambivalence. Months? Years? Decades? It’s powerful to step towards making a decision — to feel empowered in your own life instead of a passive bystander. But what’s needed in order to move the needle? This is a very nuanced and important topic that’s often dealt with behind closed doors and alone. Hands up if you’ve ever been stuck in the ambivalence. Months? Years? Decades? It’s powerful to step towards making a decision — to feel empowered in your own life instead of a passive bystander. But what’s needed in order to move the needle? You are not alone. #mindfulmft